I have often found that of greatest peril I also have my moments of greatest insight. The way I see it, the world ending is probably the greatest peril I have ever been in. And you know what? In spite of all the pride I have in my weather device and all the work I put into it, this latest realization is by far the best and most important thing I have ever come up with. The time dilation device!
I know, I know, I didn’t actually invent the damn thing. That credit has to go to my grandfather. When I say that man is a true genius, I mean it in every sense of the word. He built this thing back in the late 60’s, before microprocessors. Do you have any idea what kind of achievement that is? I tried to make an updated version for a school project and the thing was the size of a school bus. (Ok, so it was actually a school bus…but that is completely beside the point.) My point is, this thing is absolutely amazing and decades ahead of the mad science of its time. If my plan were going to work, I would have to crack it open, in the middle of the worst storm the planet has seen since before the dinosaurs, figure out how it works, and then rewire it to do what I want it to do, all without causing the entire universe to implode. I’m not really certain that the universe would explode, but at this point I’m pretty sure it’s not outside the realm of possible. Continue reading
…Let’s take a moment to recap. I built a masterpiece; a total jerkmunch punched me in the face; I pushed a button and now the world is going to end. Alright… now that we’re all up to speed, let’s proceed.
To be perfectly clear, I had no intention of ever destroying the world. I mean, if I destroy the world, I can’t very well rule it now, right? Yes, the button said “END OF WORLD,” but I was just trading on the threat. People will take you very seriously if you say you’re gonna end the world. They listen less when you say that you’re just gonna conjure up a big storm. Honestly, that’s about all my “END OF WORLD” setting should have done. At worst, it should have been a Category 5 hurricane. While that is a dangerous storm, especially in the middle of a land locked state, they’re also naturally occurring. The world doesn’t end when a really bad hurricane hits.
There was one thing that I had apparently forgotten to work into all of my equations: global warming. I know you’re thinking that global warming is a complete hoax. I totally agree! I mean, I’m a registered Republican; we’re not allowed to believe in global warming. It also doesn’t help that the text books I used as references were warning of global cooling. (That might have also been a contributing factor to the… situation, now that I look back on things. I might have over compensated just a little.) In the end it doesn’t really seem to matter because, as we’re speaking, there is a storm brewing that is currently about the size of Texas and about two steps off the high end of the hurricane category scale. Continue reading
Ok, so things have gotten a little out of hand. Honestly, I didn’t mean for this to happen. I seriously thought I had this all under control. Obviously, I misjudged the situation a little… but I’m getting ahead of myself.
This was supposed to be the event that really put me on the map. Every villain has a moment like this: a moment in which they go from being a nobody to a real somebody. A lot of guys manage to pull this off right out of the gate. I, on the other hand, had to work for it.
I had been busting my ass for years now, and I had this one, perfect chance to make my dreams become reality. I had been planning for months on end… put my entire life on hold. I even turned down a date with Madam Mayhem. She has been quite the catch ever since they reattached her left arm. You hardly notice the cyborg parts any more, but I digress. It took me seven weeks to get the power core for my weather machine calibrated just right. I spent another five trying to reassemble it after that little “incident” in Montana, which you may have heard of. No pain, no gain, after all.
It was a lot of hard work and I don’t even have any henchmen yet. Who in their right mind would hench for free. And do you have any idea what kind of union these guys have? I’d still be in contract negotiations. Although, in retrospect that might not have been so bad. Continue reading
I am a supervillain that comes from a long line of supervillains. Dad was a supervillain. Grandpa was a supervillain. Uncle Jim and Aunt Tina are a supervillain duo. My brother Brian is a used car salesman, but I guess every family has to have a black sheep.
To be a bit more specific, I am a villain of the mad scientist variety. While dad was an evil business tycoon, I chose not to follow in his footsteps and instead took after my grandfather, Professor Evilnik. He was one of the real greats! Started off back in the late 30’s making death rays and atomic powered robots… you know, the classics. By the time he retired in the early 70’s, he’d been taken down by every major hero in at least fifteen states and was directly responsible for the formation of three different superhero teams. As a kid, I really looked up to my grandpa. When it was time to pick my major at the Supervillain and Henchman Technical Junior College, I just knew I had to be a mad scientist.
There was just one, rather minor problem with this plan. I wasn’t what you might refer to as “proficient” in the sciences. Like, any of them. This isn’t to say I didn’t try. I did. In fact, I worked my ass off. I would put in extra hours in the lab, stay up late studying, get help in the evil learning center. None of my efforts really paid off. On more than one occasion, my advisor suggest that I go into supervillain business school, or maybe even consider being a henchman. Continue reading