I am a Supervillain, AMA: Pt. 4

I have often found that of greatest peril I also have my moments of greatest insight. The way I see it, the world ending is probably the greatest peril I have ever been in. And you know what? In spite of all the pride I have in my weather device and all the work I put into it, this latest realization is by far the best and most important thing I have ever come up with. The time dilation device!

I know, I know, I didn’t actually invent the damn thing. That credit has to go to my grandfather. When I say that man is a true genius, I mean it in every sense of the word. He built this thing back in the late 60’s, before microprocessors. Do you have any idea what kind of achievement that is? I tried to make an updated version for a school project and the thing was the size of a school bus. (Ok, so it was actually a school bus…but that is completely beside the point.) My point is, this thing is absolutely amazing and decades ahead of the mad science of its time. If my plan were going to work, I would have to crack it open, in the middle of the worst storm the planet has seen since before the dinosaurs, figure out how it works, and then rewire it to do what I want it to do, all without causing the entire universe to implode. I’m not really certain that the universe would explode, but at this point I’m pretty sure it’s not outside the realm of possible.

In short, my plan is to turn back time. The time dilation device was originally designed to create a bubble in time, moving either faster or slower than time outside the bubble, depending on the settings. What I intend to do is take things one step further. Instead of making time move faster or slower, I’m going to make time move backwards. And instead of being inside of a small bubble, I’m going to expand the bubble to include the entire planet. I realize this is a little ambitious, especially given the fact that I couldn’t replicate the device’s inner workings before, and that I’m trying to do this on the fly while I might literally be flying around thanks to the excessive wind speed, I’m guessing that if I overclock both the field generator and the time control then I can make it happen. I’m going to need a lot more power so I’m going to have to attempt to tie the weather machine’s power supply into the time dilation device without burning it out. Needless to say this whole plan is a bit of a gamble, but hey, what have I got to lose.

Did I forget to mention that I don’t have a proper tool set? I didn’t really expect to be making emergency repairs after a total jerk caused me to destroy the world. You got me! At any rate, I usually keep a lock picking kit in my lab coat, just in case I feel like a little breaking and entering. What? Lock-picking cheers me up after a caper gone bad. I’m allowed to enjoy myself once and a while. Thankfully the kit’s tools are pretty small so I can make them work.

After I cracked open the casing I found to my surprise that the interior was more straightforward than I had expected. Grandpa had even labeled all the major parts! The man is a complete class act. While I’m sure he never had this particular problem in mind, it’s this kind of forethought that today’s modern supervillains lack. It also might be the only hope the world has, at this point. After a couple minutes of tinkering I’m pretty sure I managed to perform my overclocking. The only part I’m a little unsure of is which direction I made the adjustment. I’m really hoping it’s in reverse or the end is coming even sooner than originally anticipated, which by my estimate is only about thirty-six hours away.

While the overclock was a relatively easy, the power supply was a nightmare. Like everything made in the 60’s, the device is atomically powered. My weather control machine however is much more up to date and it runs on a 115V inverter plugged into my van’s cigarette lighter. It’s amazing how much power distribution has evolved in the last few decades. Thankfully after a recent breakdown, I had purchased a set of heavy gauge jumper cables. I figure that they should be able to hold up under the load I need and that I should be able to get it if I connect them straight to the alternator and red line the engine. It’ll probably blow the engine, but if it works then we’ll have travelled back in time and the van will be just fine.

Finally the moment came. It was do or die and I was terrified. I might have peed myself a little bit. It was raining pretty hard at that point so I’m not sure, but my pants did get kind of warm for a moment so who knows. I jumped in the driver’s seat, flipped the switch and slammed the gas pedal to the floor. At first there I was certain it wasn’t working. It didn’t seem like anything was changing. But then something amazing started to happen. While my van’s engine was screaming, the rain started to go backward. It started off slow, but it soon gained some serious momentum. Time began flying backward. Hell, the hands on my watch were going so fast one of them broke off. Within a couple minutes the storm was almost gone. Seconds later I saw one of the weirdest sights I’d ever seen.

I was now a firsthand witness to my own ass kicking. Don’t get me wrong, I remember a lot of ass kickings, but all of those were viewed from the first person. Watching myself take a beating from the sideline was more than a little surreal. I may have also just entered into temporal paradox, but there is time enough to figure that one out.

As soon as the fight ended…or started… I’m a little mixed up on the tenses at this point, I started to fumble with the device and eventually switched it off. It was just in time too. Time stopped just as Colonel Courage was starting his beat down on my past self. For a moment I thought about jumping in and stopping him from kicking my ass, but then I realized that it was far more likely that he would just kick both our asses, and seeing as how he’d already done that to me once today, I decided against it. No, subtlety would be far more helpful in this endeavor.

Once my assailant was finished with me, and had expressed the rest of his obvious sexual inadequacies by pounding large dents into my beautiful weather control machine, he departed. This was my only chance, so I had to act quickly. I climbed up to the platform, scrambled over my unconscious self and found the hidden USB port. With the kill code successfully inserted into the CPU, the clouds began to disperse almost immediately. I had done it. I HAD SAVED THE WORLD!

Then the strangest thing began to happen, the world started to get all fuzzy and I started to feel like I was falling down some kind of giant hole. I had no idea what was going on. I lost feeling in my feet and hands and slowly the lack of sensation crept up my arms and legs until it was like they were no longer a part of me. But it didn’t stop there. As the numbness crawled higher and higher I began to panic. I felt as though my very life was being snuffed out and that I was powerless to stop it. The darkness eventually overwhelmed my entirely and then there was nothing.

At least until four metro cops started to pick me up and handcuff me. I managed to get a glimpse of one officer’s watch and was astonished to find out it was five hours later. I looked around for the unconscious version of myself, but he was nowhere to be found. As I struggled to look around and find me, the aches and pains quickly returned. I felt just like I had when I had woken up from my own ass kicking. Then it hit me. For the record I’d like to point out that nightsticks hurt, a lot. I guess the officers misinterpreted my looking around for resisting arrest and felt that I needed to “calm down.” The nightstick had the unintended effect of knock loose some of my thoughts and I finally realized what had happened.

As soon as I had inserted the kill code, I changed the future. And since I was from that future I simply ceased to exist and became part of the past me. As my professors can attest to, I was never particularly good at temporal mechanics, so I’m not even going to attempt a scientific explanation as to why I remember everything that happened. I’ll leave the explaining to my lawyer. He’s got his work cut out for him. As it stands I’m facing about six years of jail time for this little “stunt,” as the judge called it, and I have been advised that the story I just relayed to you is probably not going to play well in front of a jury. Guess I should get working on what I’m going to say to them. But you know, I’ve got this crazy idea for a new weather control machine. Hmmmmm.

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Filed under Andrew Hales, Short Story

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