…Let’s take a moment to recap. I built a masterpiece; a total jerkmunch punched me in the face; I pushed a button and now the world is going to end. Alright… now that we’re all up to speed, let’s proceed.
To be perfectly clear, I had no intention of ever destroying the world. I mean, if I destroy the world, I can’t very well rule it now, right? Yes, the button said “END OF WORLD,” but I was just trading on the threat. People will take you very seriously if you say you’re gonna end the world. They listen less when you say that you’re just gonna conjure up a big storm. Honestly, that’s about all my “END OF WORLD” setting should have done. At worst, it should have been a Category 5 hurricane. While that is a dangerous storm, especially in the middle of a land locked state, they’re also naturally occurring. The world doesn’t end when a really bad hurricane hits.
There was one thing that I had apparently forgotten to work into all of my equations: global warming. I know you’re thinking that global warming is a complete hoax. I totally agree! I mean, I’m a registered Republican; we’re not allowed to believe in global warming. It also doesn’t help that the text books I used as references were warning of global cooling. (That might have also been a contributing factor to the… situation, now that I look back on things. I might have over compensated just a little.) In the end it doesn’t really seem to matter because, as we’re speaking, there is a storm brewing that is currently about the size of Texas and about two steps off the high end of the hurricane category scale.
I would like to take a moment to point out that this isn’t entirely my fault. After pressing the Big Red Button, Colonel Courage decided that I had to be stopped and took it upon himself to beat me into some serious unconsciousness. I was out for like five hours. That moron beat the crap out of me. If he hadn’t, I might have been able to stop things before they got too far out of hand. Sure some people would have had a bad day, there may have even been a couple of destroyed houses, but I could have done something about it. Not only that, but in a rather misguided attempt to stop the storm from building, he attempted to smash my device. Little did slush-for-brains realize, he was only managing to mangle the controls. All of my beautiful work covered in fist sized dents.
Also, once activated, the device continues on whatever programming it received last, and will continue to do so unless the entire device is completely obliterated. Did I mention that I made this thing to withstand anything short of a ten megaton thermonuclear device? Grandpa always use to say, if you’re gonna build something, you should make it to last.
When I finally came to, the storm had hit critical mass and was starting to multiply at a nearly exponential rate. This not being my first rodeo, I had a backup plan—just in case something like this were to happen. In my pocket I keep an emergency kill-code flash drive. While I love my vintage style, I did still choose to use modern components. Hidden under the a false guage face on the front panel is a little USB port which connects directly to the device’s CPU, inputting a code which orders a complete reversal and shut down. Perhaps if this whole global warming thing weren’t an issue, my backup plan would have worked. Unfortunately, I was on lying on the platform for five hours drooling and bleeding on myself. If I had been awake and able to execute the kill code sooner, this might have been a non-issue.
Needless to say I was kind of upset. I was about to be the man who destroyed the world. Thankfully nobody would ever know it since no one was going to survive, but I would know it. All I wanted was to take over the world in order to make it a better place. Under my rule things like poverty, hunger, wants and hopelessness would be distant memories. There would be a whole new renaissance in art and science. And I would be firm, yet merciful. You know what the worst part about it all is? I would disappoint my grandfather. He was so proud of me, and I let him down. Also, I never had the chance to return that time dilation device I borrowed. As soon as I remembered that, the lightbulb turned on. That time dilation device might just be the answer to all of my problems…