Monthly Archives: June 2015

I have often found that of greatest peril I also have my moments of greatest insight. The way I see it, the world ending is probably the greatest peril I have ever been in. And you know what? In spite of all the pride I have in my weather device and all the work I put into it, this latest realization is by far the best and most important thing I have ever come up with. The time dilation device!

I know, I know, I didn’t actually invent the damn thing. That credit has to go to my grandfather. When I say that man is a true genius, I mean it in every sense of the word. He built this thing back in the late 60’s, before microprocessors. Do you have any idea what kind of achievement that is? I tried to make an updated version for a school project and the thing was the size of a school bus. (Ok, so it was actually a school bus…but that is completely beside the point.) My point is, this thing is absolutely amazing and decades ahead of the mad science of its time. If my plan were going to work, I would have to crack it open, in the middle of the worst storm the planet has seen since before the dinosaurs, figure out how it works, and then rewire it to do what I want it to do, all without causing the entire universe to implode. I’m not really certain that the universe would explode, but at this point I’m pretty sure it’s not outside the realm of possible. Continue reading →

…Let’s take a moment to recap. I built a masterpiece; a total jerkmunch punched me in the face; I pushed a button and now the world is going to end. Alright… now that we’re all up to speed, let’s proceed.

To be perfectly clear, I had no intention of ever destroying the world. I mean, if I destroy the world, I can’t very well rule it now, right? Yes, the button said “END OF WORLD,” but I was just trading on the threat. People will take you very seriously if you say you’re gonna end the world. They listen less when you say that you’re just gonna conjure up a big storm. Honestly, that’s about all my “END OF WORLD” setting should have done. At worst, it should have been a Category 5 hurricane. While that is a dangerous storm, especially in the middle of a land locked state, they’re also naturally occurring. The world doesn’t end when a really bad hurricane hits.

There was one thing that I had apparently forgotten to work into all of my equations: global warming. I know you’re thinking that global warming is a complete hoax. I totally agree! I mean, I’m a registered Republican; we’re not allowed to believe in global warming. It also doesn’t help that the text books I used as references were warning of global cooling. (That might have also been a contributing factor to the… situation, now that I look back on things. I might have over compensated just a little.) In the end it doesn’t really seem to matter because, as we’re speaking, there is a storm brewing that is currently about the size of Texas and about two steps off the high end of the hurricane category scale. Continue reading →