Review: 47 Ronin

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I love samurai movies. I own the Criterion Collection edition of several of Kurosawa’s major works and they are among the prized pieces of my movie collection. With this in mind I went to see 47 Ronin. Despite claims that it was done in the same tradition as Kurosawa, I had no expectations that 47 Ronin would live up to that. All I was really hoping for was a faithful, artistic retelling of the Japanese legend. What I got was a disappointing mess. At almost every turn 47 Ronin managed to do the wrong thing.

The original legend of the forty-seven ronin is a classic Japanese tale about forty-seven masterless samurai lead by Oishi who avenge their master’s death. Their master, Lord Asano, had been goaded into attacking a court official, Kira, in Edo Castle over a perceived slight. Assaulting a court official was a grave crime and the master was forced to commit ritual suicide. Forty-seven of the disgraced master’s samurai vowed to avenge their master and waited two years to fulfill their promise. After completing their mission, they turned themselves in and were also required to commit suicide, an unfortunate but honorable end to their quest. The story has become an example of the best that the samurai culture has to offer; honor, duty and loyalty.

Japanese woodblock print of the forty-seven samurai

Japanese woodblock print of the forty-seven samurai.

The witch, played by Rinko Kikuchi, was a very bizarre and frequently creepy addition.  According to this movie, she placed Lord Asano (Min Tanaka) under a spell, which is what made him attack Lord Kira (Tadanobu Asano) with whom she is in league; rather than the original story plot in which Kira goads him into it.  The whole idea comes across as somewhat forced and unnecessary. There also was a big deal made of her eyes, which have Heterochromia iridum (fancy name for her eyes being different colors). While this was an interesting little touch, the movie spent considerable screen time on close-ups of her face, trying to show off this feature but without any real explanation. Do all witches have eyes like this? I’m fairly certain the answer is no. Even when she transformed into animals (all of which were pretty awful looking CGI) they still had the two-toned eyes.  She comes across as creepy.  She’s not spooky, Stephen King kind of creepy, but more like the “I need adult supervision” kind of creepy. One scene in particular between the witch and Mika (Kô Shibasaki) was both creepy and bizarrely sexual and just made me mildly uncomfortable.

It's the eyes.

It’s the eyes.

Hands down the biggest problem with this movie was of course Kai, the half-breed, played by none other than Keanu Reeves. /Sigh/ I’m almost at a loss of where to begin, but I think I’ll start with the character himself. Into this entirely Japanese cast the film makers dropped a half white, half Japanese character who was apparently trained by demons as a child to be a killer. He then escapes, is found by Lord Asano, and raised by the lord.  However, he was forced to live outside the lord’s house in a hut (Japanese xenophobia prevented him from being an equal).  Of course, the lord’s daughter Mika doesn’t care and becomes Kai’s companion.

Finally when Kai is grown up and the witch shows up with Lord Kira, he is the only one who can tell she’s a witch (apparently because he was raised by demons). I swear I’m not making up any of this, and in fact I’m leaving some of it out. It’s a mix of ridiculous and cliché that I could not have come up with after a week-long bender. I get why the studio would want to have included a white character, as there are not many big name Japanese actors, but to then add in all of this other crazy stuff just confuses the hell out of me. As for Keanu himself, he won’t be winning any awards for this performance, except for maybe a Razzy.  Reeves spent most of the film mumbling out dialogue and then staring blankly at either the camera or his fellow cast members.

This is about as emotional as he gets.

This is about as emotional as he gets.

For a movie that claimed to be the successor to Akira Kurosawa’s work, it falls spectacularly short of that high mark. The scale of the movie was probably the only element that came anywhere near it.  Kurosawa was capable of massive scenes, such as those in the movie Ran.  In this movie there were a couple of shots in which I could see that the film makers had done at least a little of their homework. These however were the only glimmers of hope, and the overwhelming majority were in the first thirty minutes of the movie.

When it comes to Japanese culture, however, the film makers were less than studious. Frequently, characters spoke out of turn or insinuated themselves into situations in ways that would have been unacceptable in Japanese society. There were also issues from time to time with the sword choreography. At times the fighting was much more of a western style as opposed to a Japanese style, using stabs and thrusts with a sword that isn’t designed for those kinds of moves. If it weren’t for the costumes, there were several times that I would have forgotten this story takes place in feudal Japan. Even the costumes often looked cheap and not in keeping with the standards that Kurosawa set for movies of this type.

Overall this movie was just a mess. While I didn’t feel like my money was wasted, I certainly cannot recommend this movie to anyone. If someone out there would like to make a movie about the forty-seven ronin that is really good, I encourage you to make it quickly so that we can all forget about this one.  I give it one Death Star.

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Around the Web December 26, 2013

Even though Christmas is over, we’ve got a few more holiday themed wonders for you, starting off with some Star Wars themed snowflakes. Remember back in grade school when you use to make snowflakes by cutting up folded paper, well now you can make some in the image of your favorite Star Wars characters.  My personal favorites are Boba Fett, the TIE Interceptor, and of course, Slave Leia. There are snowflakes available for 2012 and 2013 and they provide us with a nice video tutorial on how to put them together.

Geek arts and crafts are pretty fantastic, although I am uncertain as to why people trust us with sharp objects like knives and scissors.

Moving on to something a bit more edible, we have a gingerbread Serenity. For those of you who want to sail the verse on a sugary sweet ship, your sugarplum visions are coming true. It seems simple enough, but then again I’ve never tried to make a gingerbread house, so I could be completely off base. Maybe next year I’ll give it a try.

Serenity shipYou can’t take the sky from me…the sweet, sweet frosted sky.

And finally, for those of you comic lovers out there, Comics Alliance has put together a compilation of 200 holiday comic book covers. The covers span the entire history of comics, going all the way back to the early parts of the Golden Age of Comics. My favorites in this list are the EC Comics Vault of Horrors and Judge Dredd, because when I think Christmas, I think of Judge Dredd.

squirel girlWho doesn’t love Squirrel Girl as a reindeer?

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Christmas 2013

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Wishing you a Merry Christmas from those of us here at Therefore I Geek. We hope you are enjoying this wonderful holiday wherever you are and that you are doing your best to spread some geeky holiday cheer. Now seriously, get off the internet and go talk to grandma… it’s Christmas for crying out loud.

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Winning Science December 24, 2013

Recently DARPA (Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency) held a robot Olympics in sunny Miami.  At stake is not only pride, but also one million dollars in additional research funding for any team that makes it through this first round.  The winning team after the second round will earn another two million. The robots are competing in several events which mimic tasks that humans might have to do in emergency situations, such as climbing ladders or turning valves. During the accident at Fukushima several valves could have been operated to significantly reduce the severity of the accident.  Unfortunately, due to radiation levels, human operators couldn’t reach them.  It’s hoped that these robots, or ones similar to them will be able to perform tasks where and when humans are unable to, preventing or at least reducing potential disasters.

lifesaving-robots-03-1213-lgnIt might be here to save my life, but this one looks way too much like Godzilla for my personal comfort.

Today is the 45th anniversary of the beautiful earthrise photo taken by the astronauts on Apollo 8. To commemorate this event, NASA’s Goddard Space Center has put together a computer generated recreation using photographs from the command module, the audio record of mission, as well as new data provided by NASA’s Lunar Reconnaissance Orbiter (LRO). It’s very interesting to listen to these events unfold (and more than a little humorous listen to Jim Lovell trying to find color film) and to hear the wonder in the voices of the astronauts.

I always like it when NASA takes the time to remember these cool little moments in the history of space exploration.

Yesterday Mikhail Kalashnikov, the inventor of the infamous AK-47 assault rifle died at the age of 94. No matter what your thoughts may be about guns and warfare, it is an undisputed fact that the AK-47 has been one of the most influential pieces of technology of the second half of the 20th century. The AK-47 has become synonymous with rebellions and insurgencies, cementing it’s place in the American collective memory during the Vietnam War. While the gun itself was more of a group effort and a conglomeration of several designs, Kalashnikov was likely chosen by Stalin because he best fit the image that the Soviets wanted to project. Regardless of how much of the design actually came from him, Kalashnikov became almost as much of a symbol as the rifle which carries his name.

Kalashnikov with his creation (kind of).

Kalashnikov with his creation (kind of).

Driving home the point of the rifle’s influence, the flags of Mozambique and Hezbollah and the coat of arms for Zimbabwe and East Timor all feature the AK-47

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