I was nineteen years old before I first stepped into a movie theater… yes, that’s correct. As a child, I was uninitiated into the world of movie theater concession foods. Some may argue that this was a travesty, and that my life must have been sad and forlorn. I would argue that this makes me a perfectly (ok, maybe not perfectly) objective reviewer of the types of snacks available at your local Regal® or Cinemark®.
Unlimited refills at the opportunity cost of understanding the twist in the plot.
First up, the perpetual favorite, popcorn. Popcorn used to be a fantastical, buttery, salty delight, but these days it is actually popped in either coconut or canola oil to make it healthier. Healthier it may be, but it is far less tasty. Also, I’m pretty sure that butter flavored stuff in the little pump at the counter that you can add to the popcorn has no actual relation to real cream. On a positive note, the purchase of a large bucket at Regal® guarantees unlimited refills, if you’re the kind of person who is ok with quietly slipping out in the middle of a movie and missing ten or fifteen minutes.
Next is soda… or pop… or cola… or coke… depending on your local dialect. My biggest beef with soda at the concession counter is that movie theaters only serve one brand or the other. You cannot get Dr Pepper in a Pepsi theater, and you cannot get Mountain Dew in a Coca-Cola theater. It is sad. Also, for whatever reason, the concession attendants always put way too much ice in the drink—even when I ask for little ice. Fountain drinks are slightly weaker than bottled drinks anyway, and this means that the last third of the cup will basically be water that is slightly flavored with the previous beverage. Also, I feel the desperate need to drink the whole thing, which means that I always need an intermission, but I am also stubborn and refuse to miss any of the movie, which causes a… dilemma.
These are one of the few boxed candies that don’t also have a bag inside the box, so the chance of annoying other movie goers is minimized.
This brings me to Mike & Ikes. I love Mike & Ikes and their sibling, Hot Tamales. The benefit to these candies is written in large letters right on the front of the box: ZERO TRANS FATS. Of course, this is probably negated by the large soda that will be making me dance in my seat in about eighty seven minutes.
I also love Sour Skittles. In my head, the story of Sour Skittles’ creation goes like this: Skittles guys had just made the weird tasting Skittles in the purple bag, and they got together for a conference. They all congratulated each other that they had gotten all the people who love regular Skittles to buy the weird tasting Skittles, because they thought they would love them, and suddenly one of the guys bursts into tears and says, “My Skittles brethren, I love sour things, and we have not made anything that is sour, and now I am sad.” So obviously, all the other Skittles guys pat him on the back and console him and one of them says, “You know what we need to make?? Sour Skittles!!!” And so, just a decade or so after the purple bag Skittles, we have Sour Skittles. I do love sour things, so I always get sucked into buying these things. Unfortunately, I still have that afore mentioned desperate need to finish it off, so by the time my tongue is protesting the sour sugary coating, there are still seven or eight Skittles in the bottom of the bag and I always eat them. By this point the skin on my tongue feels like it is peeling and shriveling all at once, but there is still a little pile of sour sugar in the bottom of the bag that I must eat. It is painful, but it is a beautiful pain.
Last, but not least, some theaters serve pizza. This is a huge predicament for me, because I adore pizza in all of its forms. I feel unfulfilled if I have not at least tried any item that boasts pizza flavoring. Inevitably, I give in to this craving, only to discover that the pizza is always a circular piece of cardboard coated in tomato sauce, with several shavings of cheese and sometimes even a pepperoni or two. Usually, I am forced to show my disappointment by slurping loudly at the last remaining drops of flavored water at the bottom of my giant drink.
This is NOT what your pizza will actually look like.
What movie foods do YOU love? Got an alternative to this list? Let me know in the comments.
Therefore I Geek 