Category Archives: Movie Reviews

Review: 300: Rise of an Empire

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One of the most famous battles in ancient history is the Battle of Thermopylae, in which a force of Greeks lead by 300 Spartans held a pass against the vast Persian army.  Although most of the Greeks were killed during the battle, Thermopylae would not have been possible without the actions of the Greek fleet in the Straits of Artemisium.  That naval engagement is the central plot of 300: Rise of an Empire.

When the Greeks are once again threatened by the Persians, led by the god king Xerxes (Rodrigo Santoro), it falls to Athenian general Themistocles (Sullivan Stapleton) to lead the defense of the free Greek states. Themistocles goes to Sparta in an attempt to recruit the Spartan king Leonidas to join him in the fight. The Spartan queen Gorgo (Lena Headey) meets Themistocles and informs him that the Spartans have no intent to join the rest of the Greek states but intend to go to war against the Persians none the less. Themistocles is forced to take his meager fleet and engage the vastly superior Persian navy, led by Artemisia (Eva Green), a Greek with a burning hatred of her countrymen. For days the Greeks best the Persians, but they are ultimately forced to retreat to the Bay of Salamis for a final standoff.

There was a surprising amount to like about 300: Rise of an Empire. I was consistently pleased with most of the visuals for the movie. Much like the original movie, Rise of an Empire presents a very stylized take on this classic, heroic tale. While not directly based on any comics, the film maintains the visual style of 300—both the comic and film. The fights scenes are, of course, the highlight of the movie. There are dozens of scenes filled with barely dressed Greeks hacking and stabbing Persians with a choreography that the ancients could only dream of. One scene in particular featured father and son team Scyllias (Callan Mulvey) and Calisto (Jack O’Connell) taking turns hacking down opponents while they advanced down the length of a Persian ship. In addition to the hand to hand combat, there is also a considerable amount of ship to ship fighting as well. This is to be expected given that the plot revolves around a naval battle, but I was pleased with the quality of these scenes. Although they were not overly historically accurate (and after 300, I wasn’t holding my breath on this point) the battles weren’t completely unrealistic either. Sure, the settings were exaggerated, but when wooden ships crashed into one another they actually got really smashed up.

Persian ships go crunch.

Persian ships go crunch.

Rise of an Empire is definitely a movie that pushes the boundaries of what the audience is willing to accept in the name of suspension of disbelief. Since the film exists in a comic universe, there are plenty of things that make for great storytelling, but that the viewer has a hard time believing could happen. Toward the end of the film (No major spoiler here, this was in the trailer), Themistocles rides a horse across several damaged ships, including ones partially underwater and engulfed in flames. Now don’t get me wrong, this made Themistocles look like a total badass, but there was this nagging voice in my head that kept telling me that a horse–even a well-trained war horse–would not willingly dive underwater and then into a fire. Little things like this would at times pull me out of the film universe and send me back to reality.

Sullivan Stapleton did a respectable job as Themistocles. While there are some similarities between Stapleton’s character and Gerard Butler’s Leonidas, I enjoyed Stapleton much more. I’ve always felt that the Leonidas character in 300 was a bit crazy and over the top.  While Themistocles could be quite intense, he was also able to take it down a few notches from time to time. Stapleton also had the physical presence for the part. Though not the most muscular man on screen, Stapleton was in amazing shape and stood over all the other major characters by several inches. At the beginning of the film, when Themistocles is attempting to rally all the Greeks to his cause, even dressed in his normal Greek attire he stands out in the sea of old men and other politicians.

Eva Green’s Artemisia is as deadly as she is beautiful—and she is exceptionally beautiful. Green plays the cold-hearted, Persian admiral perfectly.  She lives only to destroy the Greeks who have wronged her in the past and she takes a sadistic pleasure in inflicting as much damage upon them as possible. My one real complaint comes from the fact that we end up with a nude scene from Green that really serves no purpose other than to get Green topless. I am certainly not against nudity in film, but this scene is patently gratuitous and doesn’t really help to move the story line along.

Eva Green

Eva Green

300: Rise of an Empire is quite possibly the loudest movie I have ever seen, at least during certain portions.  During the opening sequence I was legitimately concerned that I was going to have some kind of permanent hearing loss if it stayed at the same volume.  Thankfully it soon came back down to a more reasonable (though still loud) level.

For all its visual wonder, Rise of an Empire fell into the same trap that many other films have fallen into lately:  3D. In an attempt to include 3D effects, some shots become rather awkward. As far as I can tell, since I saw the movie in regular 2D, the majority of the 3D effects were projectiles (arrows and spears) and blood splatter, of which there was plenty. There were several times where those particular effects would look vastly different even within the same scene, leading to an overall sloppy look.

Like its predecessor, this movie made considerable use of slow motion; unfortunately, not very good use. Shots would slow down in the middle of the action, seemingly at random, and then go back to normal speed just as haphazardly. There seemed to be no underlying rule of thumb as to when slow motion would be used, and after a while it became a distraction. This slow down/speed up pattern coupled with occasional handcam use made a mess of otherwise impressive fight scenes.

In the end, 300: Rise of an Empire was a pretty entertaining movie and a solid sequel. It will certainly not be breaking any records, nor winning any major awards, but it will make for enjoyable viewing on a rainy spring afternoon. I give it three out of five Death Stars.

3 Death Stars

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Review: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

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B movies must be judged by their own set of standards. Attempts to compare a movie like Godzilla, which is a high quality B movie, to something like Lawrence of Arabia, a masterpiece of film, will never work. Lawrence of Arabia will win out every time because it is a much better film. Unfortunately there are B movies that reside on the low end of this modified scale and Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is one such movie.

I heard about Santa Claus Conquers the Martians years ago when I first became interested in B movies. It is one of the more well-known B movies and so I therefore assumed it was one of the better ones. This, regrettably, was not the case. Don’t get me wrong, I did thoroughly enjoy myself, but that was largely due to the fact that I’m amused by bad acting and terrible looking movies.

Kimar (Leonard Hicks) and Momar (Leila Martin)—King and Mom Martian—are concerned that their children Bomar (Chris Month), a male Martian, and Girmar (Pia Zadora), a female, are watching too much TV and becoming obsessed with Santa Claus (John Call) so much that they barely eat or sleep. Kimar gathers together the other Martian leaders, including the adversarial Voldar (Vincent Beck), to consult their mystical elder Chochem.

Voldar and Kimar

Voldar and Kimar

Chochem tells the Martian leadership that they must let their children be children (instead of educating them to adult levels while they are still infants) and foster creativity and individuality. In order to do this, they need a Santa Claus on Mars. I’m a little fuzzy on how Santa will provide the creativity and individuality, but we’ll just run with it. Kimar decides that the best way to have a Santa is to kidnap Santa, so the Martians go to Earth to acquire him. Along the way we are introduced to the comic relief character Dropo (Bill McCutcheon) who is the standard, clumsy oaf. While on Earth, the Martians also kidnap Billy (Victor Stiles) and Betty (Donna Conforti) and take them back to Mars, along with Santa, where the two kidnappees help him run an automated toy factory so the Martian children can have toys.

Eventually things come to a head when Voldar tries to kidnap Santa.  Instead, he accidentally grabs Dropo, who is pretending to be Santa, and sabotages the toy factory in an effort to overthrow Kimar. I tried to wrap my brain around this, but was forced to stop after experiencing sharp pains and seeing dark spots before my eyes.

I can’t remember the last time I’ve seen acting this bad in a movie. These guys make porn stars look like Shakespearean actors. The dialogue is poorly delivered and character reactions are delayed at best. Frequently the characters are just standing around, speaking to each other without actually acting. The fight scenes are so badly choreographed that characters are swinging at each other from several feet away and then fall over while the camera shakes. The kids—especially the Martian kids—are extremely wooden, and Santa is completely clueless throughout most of the movie. At one point he can’t remember the names of his reindeer and throws “Nixon” into the list.

Even by B movies standards, the visuals are pretty rough. The Martians in particular are awful looking, dressed completely in green (green body suit with a green shirt and green briefs or boxers) with green grease paint on their faces that doesn’t match the color of their clothing. They’re also wearing some kind of green helmet out of which their antenna.  The antenna appear to be made from poorly shaped and painted tinfoil, which makes me wonder if the budget was so low that the creators couldn’t afford a bent coat hanger.

They must have spent the majority of the budget on making the worst looking robot and polar bear in movie history. The robot is essentially a guy in a large box with dryer ducts on his arms and legs, and a bucket on his head, all painted silver. This movie is already ten years after Gort from The Day the Earth Stood Still and Robby the Robot from Forbidden Planet, both of which were awesome looking robots. Even in a low budget film these creators should have been able to do more than they did.

Worst Robot Ever.

Worst Robot Ever.

As for the polar bear… you really just need to see it to believe it.

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I don’t have the time to make up things this awful.

All of the sets were pretty terrible. There was not a single scene that was actually shot outdoors. All of the outside scenes were obviously shot on sound stages. Even the one scene when the Martians first abduct Billy and Betty, which could have easily been shot at a local park, was instead done indoors. The various North Pole scenes look like some alien world from Star Trek, just painted white, dirt included. The cave set at the end of the movie consists of some foam rocks and what appears to be painted cardboard layered to give the appearance of depth.

The Martian spaceship is just as lackluster as the rest of the sets. Most importantly, the viewer never gets to see the outside of the ship, aside from the four legs and ladder seen at the North Pole, and those are pretty lame. The ship’s bridge is amusingly bad. In the corner is the Radar Box, which powers the Radar Shield; and it is labeled, in English, Radar Box. What is even better is that it is basically just a wooden toy box with some circuit boards attached to the lid and one very small bundle of wires running along the inside. This makes it quite easy for Billy to sabotage the Radar Shield.  All he has to do it pull out the single bundle of poorly attached wires. The budget appears to be so low that they couldn’t even afford a real double throw switch. When every bad Frankenstein movie set is practically littered with those switches, you would think they could find at least one for a reasonable price.

Are you telling me they couldn't find one of these for cheap?

Are you telling me they couldn’t find one of these for cheap?

While this is an absolutely terrible movie, there were a few, very minor points that weren’t quite so awful. While his acting is horrible, John Call at least looks the part of Santa. It would not have surprised me if they had instead chosen a skinny guy with no beard to play Santa, but they didn’t. There is also some pretty good stock footage of the US military, mostly focused on bombers and nuclear missiles. There is, in fact, close to five whole minutes of this footage when the Martians show up on Earth.

As I said before, I enjoyed this movie in spite of how bad it is. That being said, I cannot in good conscience recommend this movie to anyone as an example of good quality, low budget film making. I give it one Death Star.

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Review: Robocop *Spoiler Alert*

***** SPOILER ALERT *****

This review will be discussing plot points which may be considered spoilers. Consider yourselves warned.

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Seriously, who doesn’t love the original Robocop? It is one of the best examples of 1980’s action movies. It had over-the-top violence, a nearly comical amount of gore, catchy one-liners, and the acting skills of Peter Weller. When I heard they were remaking Robocop, my feelings were mixed. While I was excited about seeing the movie storyline enhanced with modern effects, I’ve seen so many movie remakes that fall short that I couldn’t help but be apprehensive. Now that I’ve seen it I realize my apprehension was misguided, though this does not mean the movie is perfect. I certainly enjoyed myself, but there were more than a few chinks in the armor.

Much like the original, this Robocop tells the story of Detroit police officer Alex Murphy (Joel Kinnaman) who is nearly killed by the city’s criminal element. After his accident–in this case a car bomb–his organic parts are salvaged and implanted into a robotic body, making him the world’s first cyborg cop. As a single minded, crime fighting cyborg, Murphy’s arrest numbers go through the roof, and he almost single handedly reduces Detroit’s crime rate by an astounding percentage.  Eventually Robocop becomes wrapped up in the events surrounding his own attempted murder, and the deeper he digs the more corruption he uncovers.  By the end of the movie, our hero is forced to confront Raymond Sellars (Michael Keaton) the CEO of Omnicorp, the company that helped rebuild him.

Although a lot of the specifics have changed, the overall plot of the new Robocop is the same as that of the original film. To be honest, I liked most of the changes. Most notable was the fact that Murphy doesn’t actually die.  Although he is gravely wounded, he remains alive after his accident and is only placed in the cyborg creation program after his wife signs a release form. This leads into another major change, the role of his family. In the original, Murphy’s family moves on because he has been declared dead and nothing of the man is supposed to remain. In the reboot, Murphy is chosen specifically because of his humanity, and his emotional stability and his family play a considerably expanded role in his post-rebuild life. There is also much more interaction between Robocop and the doctor in charge of the program, Dr. Dennett Norton (Gary Oldman). Dr. Norton helps guide the newly minted cyborg through his first and most difficult days, as well as playing a significant part in the movie’s conclusion.

For the reboot of a well-loved, but not particularly intelligent action movie, this thing is packed with stars putting on amazing performances. Gary Oldman is incredible in his role as Dr. Norton. In the past I have severely underestimated his ability to take on a character and make it different from every other character he has played, but no longer.  Oldman’s Norton is both a friend and a father figure to Robocop, helping guide him through his “rebirth” and then aiding him in his final quest for justice.

Gary Oldman is amazing as Dr. Norton.

Gary Oldman is amazing as Dr. Norton.

I’d also forgotten just how much I enjoy seeing Michael Keaton on screen. Sure he is great as Batman, but I think he really excels in roles where he gets to be a little slimy and gross, like Beetlejuice or Much Ado About Nothing. While his character may appear clean cut and aboveboard from the outside, Keaton is able to convey a sense of the filth that lurks just beneath the surface of these characters.

Even some of the actors in more minor roles, such as John Paul Ruttan who plays Murphy’s son David, are very talented. So often child actors seem very wooden on screen due to their inexperience as actors and their overall lack of life experiences to draw from.  Ruttan on the other hand showed himself capable of being very expressive, even when it comes to more complex emotions. With the near inevitability of a sequel, one can only hope Ruttan is among the cast again.

Finally I would just like to point out that even bleeped, nobody says “M*****F*****!” like Samuel L. Jackson.

While I will say that Kinnaman’s pre-transformation Alex Murphy was leaps and bounds beyond Peter Weller’s portrayal, his post-transformation acting was not much better. Both actors played the character extremely stiffly and emotionlessly and it becomes a bit annoying after a while. Robocop also seems to suffer from the same problem as Batman, in that he cannot turn his head, so he has to turn his entire torso. Unlike Batman, the cyborg seems unable to find a fix for the problem.  For a movie called Robocop, Robocop’s performance paled in comparison to the rest of the cast.

Overall I was pleased, though not overjoyed, with the look of Robocop. Robocop himself looked pretty darn good. While certainly not sleek, the new look is significantly more streamlined than the original. He was also better and more realistically equipped. I am pleased with the fact that the progression from the completely robotic EM-208’s to Robocop is very clear. They are obviously based on the same hardware; Robocop just has some gooey parts as well. My favorite change to the character came with the addition of the motorcycle. I’m not sure why, but this now seems like such a natural method of transportation for Robocop.

robocop motorcycle

The CGI effects looked pretty good in my opinion. Often when a movie is set in an actual city in the near future, it just doesn’t look quite right—especially when they do the near mandatory skyline shot. In this film I really didn’t notice any of those issues. I feel the film makers did a good job making the viewer believe that Detroit was so far gone that citizens were not safe even in the good parts of town.

While there was a lot to like in the visual department, it’s also where the most painful parts of the movie come from. There is an abundance of shaky-cam in this movie and it was particularly obnoxious. I can’t stand shaky-cam, but I’ve come to expect it from American action films.  I’ve learned to deal with it enough that I can still enjoy a movie despite the fact that the camera man shakes like he’s in the middle of an earthquake. Robocop had not one, but two major action sequences that were so unsteady that I had to stop watching them for a couple seconds because they were making me physically uncomfortable. One was so jarring that I still have no earthly idea what happened during the scene because my eyes wouldn’t focus.

What would a remake/reboot be without little homages to the original sprinkled through-out?  While this can often be overused, Robocop hit the sweet spot. There were many lines like “I’d buy that for a dollar” and “Dead or alive, you’re coming with me” that were lifted from the original and put in the reboot, but done in such a manner that you wouldn’t know where they were from, unless you were familiar with the original.  Of course, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the classic ED-209.  Originally a competitor program to Robocop, the ED-209 were basically big dumb animals, which was underscored by the various animal noises they made. This time around ED-209 was like the bigger brother to the EM-208 and they weren’t in any kind of design completion against Robocop. Despite the fact that they were much better done this time around, I couldn’t help but laugh every time I saw them on screen.

Every time these guys were on screen I couldn't stop laughing.

Every time these guys were on screen I couldn’t stop laughing.

Overall Robocop was a fair reboot and a respectable addition to the existing film franchise. As I’ve said, I fully expect there to be a sequel, so hopefully they can take their current success and build on it, fixing those issues that are most egregious. I give it 3.5 Death Stars.

3.5 Death Stars

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Review: Army of Darkness

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All right you primitive screw heads, listen up.  We’re reviewing Army of Darkness.  For those of you who are unfamiliar with Army of Darkness, let’s get you up to speed real quick.  Army of Darkness is the third and best installment of the Evil Dead series.  Ash, played by Bruce Campbell, lived a pretty good life, working in housewares at S-mart (“Shop smart, shop S-mart”), until he and his girlfriend Linda went to a cabin in the woods for the weekend.  Unluckily for them, the cabin was being used by an archaeologist who was trying to translate the Necronomicon.  The happy couple then accidentally released some evil spirit into the world.  It possessed Linda and Ash’s hand forcing Ash to kill his girlfriend and cut off his own hand with a chainsaw. Eventually Ash gets sucked into a portal and thrown back into the year 1300, which is where Army of Darkness opens on our hero.

Ash is quickly captured by Lord Arthur, and taken back to Arthur’s castle.  There he gets to show off his technology (“This is my boomstick”). Soon it is discovered that Ash is the Chosen One and must go get the very same Necronomicon that sent him back in time.  All he has to do is go to a cemetery, say the magic phrase “Klaatu barada nikto” (bonus points if you know where this originates), and grab the book.  Of course, he screws up the phrase and ends up releasing the undead Deadite army.  Ash returns to the castle with the book and helps its inhabitants prepare for the inevitable invasion.  After a hard fought battle, the living are victorious and Ash is sent back either to the present or the far distant future, depending on the version of the film you watch (my copy has him going home).

Things do not always go well for Ash.

Things do not always go well for Ash.

I am certain there was a point where the director and producer were trying to make a serious movie, but that went out the window pretty quickly.  From that point on it’s a comedy, with a few horror elements mixed in.

Bruce Campbell’s character absolutely makes this movie. Campbell plays the cheesy and not too bright Ash perfectly.   It takes less than ten minutes for Ash to begin spouting his infamous one-liners.  He is just confident enough to get himself into trouble and not realize how deep in he really is. Ash is a little like Indiana Jones, but not nearly as clever.

This is his boomstick.

This is his boomstick.

The supporting cast is not terrible, filled with several B-list names whose performances don’t really stand out. I can’t say I blame them though, since they weren’t give a whole lot to work with. The whole movie is basically about Ash and the extra characters often just stand there to give him someone to talk to, when he isn’t just talking to himself. One cast member who is a personal favorite of mine is Ted Raimi, brother of director Sam Raimi. He has a short appearance in the alternate ending and as a Seaquest DSV fan, I’m  always glad to see him on screen.

There is a certain look to this film that B movie fans will recognize almost immediately.  While not all of De Laurentiis’ films have this look, there are a number, like Conan the Barbarian, Red Sonja, and Barbarella that do. The effects are cheap and simple but effective.  In one scene where Ash fights a group of miniature Ash-es, the effects team uses old school tricks such as filming actors in front of a projected image to accomplish the shots they need. Another example is the Deadite army, which is a mixture of skeleton puppets and guys in spandex suits. The more impressive puppets are in the front of the shot and the costumed men are used where it would be impractical to have a puppet—such as running across the background of a shot.  Most of the other effects stick to basic explosives and ordinary fire, but this doesn’t detract from the visual.

The Deadite Army

The Deadite Army

The biggest problem with the movie is the painful dialogue.  Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love the one-liners, but these are pretty groan worthy, and they provide the only decent part of the script.  Trying to speak in fourteenth century English makes most of the characters seem wooden and slow.  The most annoying character, though, is Ash’s full grown duplicate, whose dialogue just gets on my nerves.  Although also delivered by Campbell, the lines are just so much more over the top and goofy that they have a way of getting under my skin.

This is one of the movies I love to quote, especially right after watching it. It’s also one of the movies that has cemented Bruce Campbell’s place as the king of B movies (“Hail to the king, baby”). I give this one four and a half Death Stars.

4.5 Death Stars

Now give me some sugar.

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