I am a supervillain that comes from a long line of supervillains. Dad was a supervillain. Grandpa was a supervillain. Uncle Jim and Aunt Tina are a supervillain duo. My brother Brian is a used car salesman, but I guess every family has to have a black sheep.
To be a bit more specific, I am a villain of the mad scientist variety. While dad was an evil business tycoon, I chose not to follow in his footsteps and instead took after my grandfather, Professor Evilnik. He was one of the real greats! Started off back in the late 30’s making death rays and atomic powered robots… you know, the classics. By the time he retired in the early 70’s, he’d been taken down by every major hero in at least fifteen states and was directly responsible for the formation of three different superhero teams. As a kid, I really looked up to my grandpa. When it was time to pick my major at the Supervillain and Henchman Technical Junior College, I just knew I had to be a mad scientist.
There was just one, rather minor problem with this plan. I wasn’t what you might refer to as “proficient” in the sciences. Like, any of them. This isn’t to say I didn’t try. I did. In fact, I worked my ass off. I would put in extra hours in the lab, stay up late studying, get help in the evil learning center. None of my efforts really paid off. On more than one occasion, my advisor suggest that I go into supervillain business school, or maybe even consider being a henchman.
I was just about to give up when I finally found my calling: weather control. At first I didn’t even want to take the class, but I couldn’t fit Killer Robot Propulsion Systems 201 into my schedule, and Weather Manipulation 101 was the only elective that was left. Within the first five minutes of the very first class, I knew that this was how I would make my name.
It wasn’t easy, but I started to study twice as hard as before. I dropped any class that wasn’t required or didn’t involve some skill I would need to build my own weather control devices. I even “borrowed” a time dilation device from my grandpa’s lab, just so I would have extra time to study. (That reminds me, I’ve been meaning to put that thing back…anyways…) As I was saying, I worked myself to the point of near mental and physical collapse. But in the end it was worth it and I graduated only eight semesters behind schedule.
I was finally out of school and free to wreak havoc down on a helpless and unsuspecting world. Soon it would all be mine. Where so many others had failed, I would succeed. I would harness the powers of nature itself and turn them against the pathetic, unwashed masses, and then, once they were properly cowed, I would rule them in a strict, yet merciful manner.
Yeah, sounds like a pretty sweet plan, doesn’t it? Unfortunately, there was one slight flaw in my schemes. In my haste to make a name for myself, I forgot that a world with supervillains also has a ton of superheroes. Let’s just say I’m glad I got picked on as a kid. I had a lot of experience on how to properly take a total ass kicking.
At first it wasn’t so bad. Because I was new, I went up against every two bit slacker with a mask and tights. There were some real winners out there. Ever heard of Methane Man? The guy claimed to have some kind of chemistry based powers, but I’m pretty sure he was covering the fact that he had really bad gas. Either way, that dude smelled like you wouldn’t believe.
I managed to beat off most of the idiots who decided to square off against me. I mean, from time to time, one of them would manage to foil my scheme, but as the old saying goes “even a blind squirrel finds a nut now and again.” Overall, though, I was having some mild success. So what if my plans weren’t that grand? Are you trying to tell me that raining out that church carnival in Iowa wasn’t evil? That’s right, I didn’t think so. The point is that I was having success, and with success came notice from the more elite heroes.
I can honestly say that I don’t know how I managed to get on Colonel Courage’s radar. Maybe it was that blizzard in Phoenix… hell, I don’t know. The fact is that just as I was really hitting my stride, my world came to a screeching halt. I had gone underground for a little while so I could really focus on my next generation weather control device. Wreaking havoc non-stop is really hard work. Add time for R&D on top of that and you quickly find there isn’t enough hours in the day. I mean, I was like 2 seasons behind on House of Cards, and that was just unacceptable. Taking a little time off to work on my latest device seemed like a great idea. The Colonel on the other hand had a different opinion.
That prick caught wind of my awesome plans and decided to break into my secret lair, smash my new prototype, trash the lair and beat me nearly senseless. Seriously, what the hell? I bet he doesn’t have any clue how long it took me to get that place painted. I don’t exactly have the money for henchmen and there was some serious square footage in that place.
Needless to say, after I got released from Our Lady of Perpetual Chaos Hospital and Rehab Center, I had to find myself a new secret lair and get right to work on a brand new prototype device that was even more evilly awesome than the last. It took nearly six months, thirty-three bank jobs, twelve armored car robberies and one hundred and seventy-two 7-11 stickups just to get the money together.
It would have been quicker had my success rate been higher than 17%. Who knew that so many 7-11s had alarm systems. By the time I was done, I was on a first name basis with the entire 18th precinct. They’re not bad guys, really. Joe even let me leave my hypoallergenic pillow in the holding cell. (I have really bad dust and mold allergies.)
For the three months after that, I devoted myself completely to the development of my greatest device yet. I agonized over even the smallest detail, ensuring that it was absolutely perfect. In the end it was worth it. My device wouldn’t just crush my new archenemy, Colonel Courage, but it would grant me, ultimate power—something I so desperately craved. Soon the world would be mine!
That was a week ago. Today I pressed the red button, and now the world as we know it is about to end, and it’s all my fault…
Therefore I Geek 